I arranged to stay with someone for two months. I won't be more specific than that, as Husband does not know where I was staying. I am very thankful for the rest and support I received from the people I was staying with.
When I moved out, I told Husband I was staying away for two months, and giving myself time to figure out what to do next. Husband very quickly had a breakdown. He acted out again, and then he became suicidal and ended up in the hospital. It was a mess of emotions. He felt shamed and guilty, and did not know how to handle those feelings. I had a lot of support from friends and family. When I moved out, I told almost everyone in my life, with the exception of a few people at work. Husband had very little support because he had not told anyone except his therapist. He did reach out to a few friends, and his brother.
We saw each other once or twice a week for most of this time. It was hard. Husband was really pressuring me for sex. That was the last thing on my mind. The weirdest part was that, for him, sadness seemed to lead directly to sex. He'd switch back and forth between crying on my shoulder and trying to make out with me. It felt creepy.
One thing I wish is that our relationship had support during this time. According to Husband, right after I moved out, Brian Zamboni offered to see both of us. I have no idea why either of them thought that would be a good idea... I didn't trust either of them. How would being in a room with them both at the same time possibly help? A few weeks after I moved out, we had our first appointment with Eli Coleman. I was torn after the first couple of sessions. He was smart and perceptive, but he was also arrogant. We ended up seeing him about 5 times total, and the arrogance just got to be too much. However, he was useful at first because he helped me set boundaries. Unfortunately, some of the boundaries we needed to set were with him--no reading during sessions, treat us like equals, not putting us in the middle of squabbles with his staff, etc.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Moving out/moving on?
I decided I could not live with my husband while his behavior was so erratic. Most important, I could not live with him while he continued to blame me. I arranged to stay with someone for a few months. I told a few people, but not many, as I did not want Husband to find out until I actually left. I planned to move out on the first of the month, which was a Thursday. I thought Husband had therapy on Friday. When I found out that his appointment was actually on Thursday, I changed my plans to tell him on Wednesday, so he would at least have the support of Zamboni the next day. I was going to a furnished room, so I didn't need to take a lot of things. I came home from work and packed up while Husband was working on a project. I planned to stay at the house that night and leave with everything in the morning, but I knew I might have to change plans.
When he came into dinner, I told him I was leaving the next day. He was angry, obviously. He told me it would be "a long couple of months." He was mad that out sex life would be impacted. He was trying to convince me that I had made a wrong decision, but everything he said reinforced my decision. He thought about it for a while and told me it would be best if I left that night. I agreed. I couldn't go to the place I would be moving to, but I called a friend who knew my plans and asked to stay with her and her husband for the night. They were out at a bar, so I joined them there and had a drink. Then, we went to their place and had champagne, which seemed totally appropriate to me. I hung out with their dogs and crashed in their spare room. The next day, I started my new, independent, separated life! \
The only thing I would have done differently in this scenario is that I would have stuck to my original plans, and would not have been concerned about his support. In the two months since discovery, I had tried to talk to him about telling some of his friends and family at least the broad outlines of his addiction. He refused. That was his decision, and I should have let him experience the full consequences of it.
When he came into dinner, I told him I was leaving the next day. He was angry, obviously. He told me it would be "a long couple of months." He was mad that out sex life would be impacted. He was trying to convince me that I had made a wrong decision, but everything he said reinforced my decision. He thought about it for a while and told me it would be best if I left that night. I agreed. I couldn't go to the place I would be moving to, but I called a friend who knew my plans and asked to stay with her and her husband for the night. They were out at a bar, so I joined them there and had a drink. Then, we went to their place and had champagne, which seemed totally appropriate to me. I hung out with their dogs and crashed in their spare room. The next day, I started my new, independent, separated life! \
The only thing I would have done differently in this scenario is that I would have stuck to my original plans, and would not have been concerned about his support. In the two months since discovery, I had tried to talk to him about telling some of his friends and family at least the broad outlines of his addiction. He refused. That was his decision, and I should have let him experience the full consequences of it.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Two months
The first two months after discovery are blurry in my memory, for good reason! They were a real roller coaster, full of bad behavior. Husband blamed me for whatever he could. I nagged. I tried to force him to change. He yelled. He told me he didn't have psychological problem, just a sexual one. When I would nag, he would seem to respond, but it would not last. He'd act like he was learning more about addiction, or getting more serious in therapy, but only for a day or two. He told me I was uptight about testing for STIs, and about using protection. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't have unprotected sex with him.
The part that scared me was when I started to agree with his craziness. I'd have a moment of "well, maybe it isn't that big of a deal." Then, I would freak out that I could ever think such a thing. I concluded that not only was his version of reality seriously skewed, but that it was much stronger than mine. I don't have to spend a lot of time constructing and defending my understanding of reality, ethics, relationships, etc. He, on the other hand, had years of practice doing just that. He had carefully built up a version of reality where his actions were not only OK, they were exemplary. I was not going to break through those defenses.
I concluded that I could not live with this. I made a plan to leave. I arranged to stay with someone for two months. I figured that would be enough time to figure out if I should go back, or get an apartment. I was 100% sure of my decision. I told a few people, but was careful about it because I didn't want to tell Husband until I actually left.
Just before I moved out, I found COSA. That first meeting was the most amazing, comforting thing I have ever experienced. I will always remember who was at that meeting, and how comforting it was to hear their stories and to tell mine. I wish I had better words to describe it.
The story of moving out requires it's own post. More to come...
The part that scared me was when I started to agree with his craziness. I'd have a moment of "well, maybe it isn't that big of a deal." Then, I would freak out that I could ever think such a thing. I concluded that not only was his version of reality seriously skewed, but that it was much stronger than mine. I don't have to spend a lot of time constructing and defending my understanding of reality, ethics, relationships, etc. He, on the other hand, had years of practice doing just that. He had carefully built up a version of reality where his actions were not only OK, they were exemplary. I was not going to break through those defenses.
I concluded that I could not live with this. I made a plan to leave. I arranged to stay with someone for two months. I figured that would be enough time to figure out if I should go back, or get an apartment. I was 100% sure of my decision. I told a few people, but was careful about it because I didn't want to tell Husband until I actually left.
Just before I moved out, I found COSA. That first meeting was the most amazing, comforting thing I have ever experienced. I will always remember who was at that meeting, and how comforting it was to hear their stories and to tell mine. I wish I had better words to describe it.
The story of moving out requires it's own post. More to come...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)