Into therapy

Husband eventually made an appointment with Brian Zamboni at the Center for Sexual Health.  The appointment was for both of us, since the Husband was refusing to see a therapist by himself at that point.  I was really disappointed. Zamboni talked entirely to Husband, which was fine, as the idea was that there were supposed to be two initial assessment appointments. 

However, at the end of the appointment, he made a pronouncement that Husband has compulsive sexual behavior, and that he should be in therapy every other week.  In addition, Zamboni recommended that we see him as a couple once a month. He wanted both of us to come to the next appointment to hear my opinions.

I did not like that Zamboni made recommendations for couples therapy without hearing from me. I also do not appreciate his offer to do couples therapy in addition to individual therapy.  In other words, he would listen to my husband twice as much as he listens to me.  Even if these had not been factors, I just didn't like his manor.  It felt like a quiz show, and that isn't a style I respond to well.  The one hopeful thing was a mention of a "partners group" that the center offered.  It seemed like a good idea to me.

Husband and I talked about it.  He wanted to continue with Zamboni, but the next appointment was in my name, and I didn't want to get billed for it.  I called Zamboni to tell him that I would not be continuing to see him, but that Husband would, and that he should change the appointment to Husband's name. He said he still wanted me to come to the next session, so he could hear my side of things.  I told him that was a decision for Husband, because I was not going to be a part of his therapy unless that is what he wanted.  Zamboni said that I might be putting words in Husband's mouth, that I might be putting my issues on him.  Since I know it was Husband's idea in the first place, I decided that the issues belonged to Zamboni. Husband liked Zamboni, and started seeing him regularly, although he actually missed the second appointment that had caused so much angst.

We eventually got a couples therapist, Eli Coleman, also at the Center for Sexual Health.  More on that in a future post.

Throughout this time, our life was a roller coaster.  Husband would work on our relationship when nagged, but really thought I was the one who had a problem.  He would tell me things like, "I wish you could deal with this like I can." 

I will give one example of the way things got bad.  One night, he wanted a massage, and a happy ending massage even!  He started telling me how the professionals do it.  First, I told him that I didn't want to hear how they do it.  Then, I got mad at him for going to a pro in the first place. He had told me that he was looking for variety, but this was variety that he could have brought into our relationship!  We have a massage table, and have taken classes together.  It wouldn't have been that big of a stretch to go for the happy ending for him.  He got mad at me in return, accusing me of an incorrect "I statement."  He is big on I statements.  I don't remember how the night ended, but it wasn't good.  I think we just went to bed.  The next day, he told me that he felt bad, so I must have said something wrong.  This was the first time I mentioned us separating. 

That night, he felt horrible.  He was starting to realize how awful things had gotten, and to see his part in it.  He apologized and talked about things.  After that, he got into more regular therapy, and started reading some books recommended by Zamboni. 

It seemed like a step forward.  Maybe it was. 

I am starting this blog as an outlet to write about my experience with discovering my husband's compulsive sexual behavior.  On July 1, I found out that the Husband of five years had been going to escorts for approximately 4 years.  It was devastating.  Let me tell the story from the beginning...

In April, Husband asked me for an open marriage. I was upset at first, but actually got to the point where I was fantasizing about it.  I have a particularly good fantasy about one of his co-workers, but this is a family blog, so... moving along. The weird thing about the open marriage business was that he was unmotivated by it.  He expected me to figure it out for him.  He wouldn't tell me what he wanted in terms of how often and with who he would have sex outside the marriage.  I told him he would have to discuss it with his doctor and also I wanted both of us to read a particular book.  He wouldn't do either.  This is a guy who is normally super-motivated. Once he decides he wants something, he goes for it.

 Then, there was an instance where he freaked out about his brother reading his emails on his phone.  He had given his brother and dad the phone to read a particular email. He dad accidentally deleted it (he's somewhere north of 80, so give him a break) and his brother tried to find it again.  Husband threw a fit. He did not want his brother searching around in his email.

After that, I started to put 2 and 2 together.  I read his emails.  Two plus two came out to 4... or actually, 30 escorts.  At least, that was the initial findings.  I confronted him on July 1, in the morning. He said he would do anything to save our marriage.  However, he would not break off his date for that day.  He told me that the escort of the day was special.  He wouldn't promise not to have sex with her.

I told him I would work on the relationship to the extent that he would, but he had to take the lead.  He had to get us into therapy and get his act together.  He waited a week, and then called a therapist.  That therapist was not seeing new clients, so he waited a week and called another.

Emotionally, this phase was all over the place.  I found out over Independence Day weekend, so I didn't have my normal routines to count on.  My initial expection, and hope, was that Husband would throw himself into fixing this.  He did not.  That was devastating.  Its painful even to think about.  He expected me to continue having sex with him. I experienced so many losses during this time, I can't even list them. I got an appointment with my gynecologist, and Husband said she was overreacting when she said that if I kept having sex with him, and he kept having sex with prostitutes, I should get tested on a monthly basis.  He said he didn't need a therapist, because this was a sexual problem, not a psychological one. 

I am trying hard to convey the horror I felt, but I know I am not doing a good job. The story continues, and maybe I'll find the words.