Into therapy

Husband eventually made an appointment with Brian Zamboni at the Center for Sexual Health.  The appointment was for both of us, since the Husband was refusing to see a therapist by himself at that point.  I was really disappointed. Zamboni talked entirely to Husband, which was fine, as the idea was that there were supposed to be two initial assessment appointments. 

However, at the end of the appointment, he made a pronouncement that Husband has compulsive sexual behavior, and that he should be in therapy every other week.  In addition, Zamboni recommended that we see him as a couple once a month. He wanted both of us to come to the next appointment to hear my opinions.

I did not like that Zamboni made recommendations for couples therapy without hearing from me. I also do not appreciate his offer to do couples therapy in addition to individual therapy.  In other words, he would listen to my husband twice as much as he listens to me.  Even if these had not been factors, I just didn't like his manor.  It felt like a quiz show, and that isn't a style I respond to well.  The one hopeful thing was a mention of a "partners group" that the center offered.  It seemed like a good idea to me.

Husband and I talked about it.  He wanted to continue with Zamboni, but the next appointment was in my name, and I didn't want to get billed for it.  I called Zamboni to tell him that I would not be continuing to see him, but that Husband would, and that he should change the appointment to Husband's name. He said he still wanted me to come to the next session, so he could hear my side of things.  I told him that was a decision for Husband, because I was not going to be a part of his therapy unless that is what he wanted.  Zamboni said that I might be putting words in Husband's mouth, that I might be putting my issues on him.  Since I know it was Husband's idea in the first place, I decided that the issues belonged to Zamboni. Husband liked Zamboni, and started seeing him regularly, although he actually missed the second appointment that had caused so much angst.

We eventually got a couples therapist, Eli Coleman, also at the Center for Sexual Health.  More on that in a future post.

Throughout this time, our life was a roller coaster.  Husband would work on our relationship when nagged, but really thought I was the one who had a problem.  He would tell me things like, "I wish you could deal with this like I can." 

I will give one example of the way things got bad.  One night, he wanted a massage, and a happy ending massage even!  He started telling me how the professionals do it.  First, I told him that I didn't want to hear how they do it.  Then, I got mad at him for going to a pro in the first place. He had told me that he was looking for variety, but this was variety that he could have brought into our relationship!  We have a massage table, and have taken classes together.  It wouldn't have been that big of a stretch to go for the happy ending for him.  He got mad at me in return, accusing me of an incorrect "I statement."  He is big on I statements.  I don't remember how the night ended, but it wasn't good.  I think we just went to bed.  The next day, he told me that he felt bad, so I must have said something wrong.  This was the first time I mentioned us separating. 

That night, he felt horrible.  He was starting to realize how awful things had gotten, and to see his part in it.  He apologized and talked about things.  After that, he got into more regular therapy, and started reading some books recommended by Zamboni. 

It seemed like a step forward.  Maybe it was.