Somewhere in this time period, Husband and I decided that two months would not be long enough and I would get an apartment. We agreed that he would stay in the house and be responsible for it. I would find an apartment. Things in this regard were actually going OK until just before I was actually going to move into my apartment. Husband became suicidal again, and I called the police to check on him. He was not taken to the hospital because he said the right things. However, he was livid at me for calling. He told me that I could not talk to the police about him.
To move into the apartment, I needed to get a lot of things from the house. I had arranged friends to help, and I refused to let Husband be there when they were working. He was just too unpredictable. This is one instance where Coleman came in useful. In therapy, we discussed when I would be able to move and where Husband would be during that time. Coleman got Husband to promise to be elsewhere while I was moving stuff.
Just before the move, I was quite freaked out and called the emergency number for the Center for Sexual Health. I ended up talking to Coleman. In the process of that conversation, he told me that I needed to stay with Husband for 5-6 more months. Coleman also told me that he would tell me if it didn't seem like Husband was going to get better. I wish I had asked him what he meant by that. Did he mean that I should base my decision to stay or divorce on his opinion?
The actual move went well. Husband managed to be helpful in a few ways, which was a big change from being destructive in big ways!
Coleman's usefulness declined rapidly after that. He continued to read during our sessions, and explain to us how smart he is.
Somewhere in there, we discussed the group for partners of individuals with compulsive sexual behavior. Coleman told me that I should go for 1-2 sessions and see how it went. When I mentioned that to Diane Berg, the person who actually runs the group, she told me they wanted a committment to the full time span of the group (something like 6-8 weeks). In addition, Coleman and Berg gave me different explainations of the content of the group. When I pointed the inconsistencies out to Coleman, Berg told me she would address it with him. At our next session, Coleman apologized for "the miscommunication," without taking any responsibility for it.
When I told Coleman that I was unsure about continuing with him as our therapist, he had a temper tantrum and kept telling me that if I didn't trust him, therapy was not goig to work. I now wonder why I let it go on so long.
The part that is now funny to me was when I said I wanted to see a couples therapist outside of the Center for Sexual Health. He flared up and tried to tell us why it wouldn't work. Apparently it has to do with communication. I get why having the various therapists communicate would be more challenging if they don't work directly together, but I don't ger why it is my problem. I also don't get why Coleman got so upset about it.
Showing posts with label moving out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving out. Show all posts
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A Two-Month Break
I arranged to stay with someone for two months. I won't be more specific than that, as Husband does not know where I was staying. I am very thankful for the rest and support I received from the people I was staying with.
When I moved out, I told Husband I was staying away for two months, and giving myself time to figure out what to do next. Husband very quickly had a breakdown. He acted out again, and then he became suicidal and ended up in the hospital. It was a mess of emotions. He felt shamed and guilty, and did not know how to handle those feelings. I had a lot of support from friends and family. When I moved out, I told almost everyone in my life, with the exception of a few people at work. Husband had very little support because he had not told anyone except his therapist. He did reach out to a few friends, and his brother.
We saw each other once or twice a week for most of this time. It was hard. Husband was really pressuring me for sex. That was the last thing on my mind. The weirdest part was that, for him, sadness seemed to lead directly to sex. He'd switch back and forth between crying on my shoulder and trying to make out with me. It felt creepy.
One thing I wish is that our relationship had support during this time. According to Husband, right after I moved out, Brian Zamboni offered to see both of us. I have no idea why either of them thought that would be a good idea... I didn't trust either of them. How would being in a room with them both at the same time possibly help? A few weeks after I moved out, we had our first appointment with Eli Coleman. I was torn after the first couple of sessions. He was smart and perceptive, but he was also arrogant. We ended up seeing him about 5 times total, and the arrogance just got to be too much. However, he was useful at first because he helped me set boundaries. Unfortunately, some of the boundaries we needed to set were with him--no reading during sessions, treat us like equals, not putting us in the middle of squabbles with his staff, etc.
When I moved out, I told Husband I was staying away for two months, and giving myself time to figure out what to do next. Husband very quickly had a breakdown. He acted out again, and then he became suicidal and ended up in the hospital. It was a mess of emotions. He felt shamed and guilty, and did not know how to handle those feelings. I had a lot of support from friends and family. When I moved out, I told almost everyone in my life, with the exception of a few people at work. Husband had very little support because he had not told anyone except his therapist. He did reach out to a few friends, and his brother.
We saw each other once or twice a week for most of this time. It was hard. Husband was really pressuring me for sex. That was the last thing on my mind. The weirdest part was that, for him, sadness seemed to lead directly to sex. He'd switch back and forth between crying on my shoulder and trying to make out with me. It felt creepy.
One thing I wish is that our relationship had support during this time. According to Husband, right after I moved out, Brian Zamboni offered to see both of us. I have no idea why either of them thought that would be a good idea... I didn't trust either of them. How would being in a room with them both at the same time possibly help? A few weeks after I moved out, we had our first appointment with Eli Coleman. I was torn after the first couple of sessions. He was smart and perceptive, but he was also arrogant. We ended up seeing him about 5 times total, and the arrogance just got to be too much. However, he was useful at first because he helped me set boundaries. Unfortunately, some of the boundaries we needed to set were with him--no reading during sessions, treat us like equals, not putting us in the middle of squabbles with his staff, etc.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Moving out/moving on?
I decided I could not live with my husband while his behavior was so erratic. Most important, I could not live with him while he continued to blame me. I arranged to stay with someone for a few months. I told a few people, but not many, as I did not want Husband to find out until I actually left. I planned to move out on the first of the month, which was a Thursday. I thought Husband had therapy on Friday. When I found out that his appointment was actually on Thursday, I changed my plans to tell him on Wednesday, so he would at least have the support of Zamboni the next day. I was going to a furnished room, so I didn't need to take a lot of things. I came home from work and packed up while Husband was working on a project. I planned to stay at the house that night and leave with everything in the morning, but I knew I might have to change plans.
When he came into dinner, I told him I was leaving the next day. He was angry, obviously. He told me it would be "a long couple of months." He was mad that out sex life would be impacted. He was trying to convince me that I had made a wrong decision, but everything he said reinforced my decision. He thought about it for a while and told me it would be best if I left that night. I agreed. I couldn't go to the place I would be moving to, but I called a friend who knew my plans and asked to stay with her and her husband for the night. They were out at a bar, so I joined them there and had a drink. Then, we went to their place and had champagne, which seemed totally appropriate to me. I hung out with their dogs and crashed in their spare room. The next day, I started my new, independent, separated life! \
The only thing I would have done differently in this scenario is that I would have stuck to my original plans, and would not have been concerned about his support. In the two months since discovery, I had tried to talk to him about telling some of his friends and family at least the broad outlines of his addiction. He refused. That was his decision, and I should have let him experience the full consequences of it.
When he came into dinner, I told him I was leaving the next day. He was angry, obviously. He told me it would be "a long couple of months." He was mad that out sex life would be impacted. He was trying to convince me that I had made a wrong decision, but everything he said reinforced my decision. He thought about it for a while and told me it would be best if I left that night. I agreed. I couldn't go to the place I would be moving to, but I called a friend who knew my plans and asked to stay with her and her husband for the night. They were out at a bar, so I joined them there and had a drink. Then, we went to their place and had champagne, which seemed totally appropriate to me. I hung out with their dogs and crashed in their spare room. The next day, I started my new, independent, separated life! \
The only thing I would have done differently in this scenario is that I would have stuck to my original plans, and would not have been concerned about his support. In the two months since discovery, I had tried to talk to him about telling some of his friends and family at least the broad outlines of his addiction. He refused. That was his decision, and I should have let him experience the full consequences of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)