A Two-Month Break

I arranged to stay with someone for two months.  I won't be more specific than that, as Husband does not know where I was staying.  I am very thankful for the rest and support I received from the people I was staying with. 

When I moved out, I told Husband I was staying away for two months, and giving myself time to figure out what to do next.  Husband very quickly had a breakdown.  He acted out again, and then he became suicidal and ended up in the hospital. It was a mess of emotions.  He felt shamed and guilty, and did not know how to handle those feelings.  I had a lot of support from friends and family.  When I moved out, I told almost everyone in my life, with the exception of a few people at work. Husband had very little support because he had not told anyone except his therapist.  He did reach out to a few friends, and his brother. 

We saw each other once or twice a week for most of this time.  It was hard.  Husband was really pressuring me for sex.  That was the last thing on my mind.  The weirdest part was that, for him, sadness seemed to lead directly to sex. He'd switch back and forth between crying on my shoulder and trying to make out with me. It felt creepy.

One thing I wish is that our relationship had support during this time. According to Husband, right after I moved out, Brian Zamboni offered to see both of us.  I have no idea why either of them thought that would be a good idea... I didn't trust either of them.  How would being in a room with them both at the same time possibly help?  A few weeks after I moved out, we had our first appointment with Eli Coleman.  I was torn after the first couple of sessions.  He was smart and perceptive, but he was also arrogant.  We ended up seeing him about 5 times total, and the arrogance just got to be too much.  However, he was useful at first because he helped me set boundaries.  Unfortunately, some of the boundaries we needed to set were with him--no reading during sessions, treat us like equals, not putting us in the middle of squabbles with his staff, etc. 

Moving out/moving on?

I decided I could not live with my husband while his behavior was so erratic.  Most important, I could not live with him while he continued to blame me.  I arranged to stay with someone for a few months.  I told a few people, but not many, as I did not want Husband to find out until I actually left.  I planned to move out on the first of the month, which was a Thursday.  I thought Husband had therapy on Friday.  When I found out that his appointment was actually on Thursday, I changed my plans to tell him on Wednesday, so he would at least have the support of Zamboni the next day.  I was going to a furnished room, so I didn't need to take a lot of things.  I came home from work and packed up while Husband was working on a project.  I planned to stay at the house that night and leave with everything in the morning, but I knew I might have to change plans. 

When he came into dinner, I told him I was leaving the next day.  He was angry, obviously.  He told me it would be "a long couple of months." He was mad that out sex life would be impacted.  He was trying to convince me that I had made a wrong decision, but everything he said reinforced my decision.  He thought about it for a while and told me it would be best if I left that night.  I agreed. I couldn't go to the place I would be moving to, but I called a friend who knew my plans and asked to stay with her and her husband for the night.  They were out at a bar, so I joined them there and had a drink. Then, we went to their place and had champagne, which seemed totally appropriate to me.  I hung out with their dogs and crashed in their spare room.  The next day, I started my new, independent, separated life!  \

The only thing I would have done differently in this scenario is that I would have stuck to my original plans, and would not have been concerned about his support.  In the two months since discovery, I had tried to talk to him about telling some of his friends and family at least the broad outlines of his addiction.  He refused.  That was his decision, and I should have let him experience the full consequences of it. 

Into therapy

Husband eventually made an appointment with Brian Zamboni at the Center for Sexual Health.  The appointment was for both of us, since the Husband was refusing to see a therapist by himself at that point.  I was really disappointed. Zamboni talked entirely to Husband, which was fine, as the idea was that there were supposed to be two initial assessment appointments. 

However, at the end of the appointment, he made a pronouncement that Husband has compulsive sexual behavior, and that he should be in therapy every other week.  In addition, Zamboni recommended that we see him as a couple once a month. He wanted both of us to come to the next appointment to hear my opinions.

I did not like that Zamboni made recommendations for couples therapy without hearing from me. I also do not appreciate his offer to do couples therapy in addition to individual therapy.  In other words, he would listen to my husband twice as much as he listens to me.  Even if these had not been factors, I just didn't like his manor.  It felt like a quiz show, and that isn't a style I respond to well.  The one hopeful thing was a mention of a "partners group" that the center offered.  It seemed like a good idea to me.

Husband and I talked about it.  He wanted to continue with Zamboni, but the next appointment was in my name, and I didn't want to get billed for it.  I called Zamboni to tell him that I would not be continuing to see him, but that Husband would, and that he should change the appointment to Husband's name. He said he still wanted me to come to the next session, so he could hear my side of things.  I told him that was a decision for Husband, because I was not going to be a part of his therapy unless that is what he wanted.  Zamboni said that I might be putting words in Husband's mouth, that I might be putting my issues on him.  Since I know it was Husband's idea in the first place, I decided that the issues belonged to Zamboni. Husband liked Zamboni, and started seeing him regularly, although he actually missed the second appointment that had caused so much angst.

We eventually got a couples therapist, Eli Coleman, also at the Center for Sexual Health.  More on that in a future post.

Throughout this time, our life was a roller coaster.  Husband would work on our relationship when nagged, but really thought I was the one who had a problem.  He would tell me things like, "I wish you could deal with this like I can." 

I will give one example of the way things got bad.  One night, he wanted a massage, and a happy ending massage even!  He started telling me how the professionals do it.  First, I told him that I didn't want to hear how they do it.  Then, I got mad at him for going to a pro in the first place. He had told me that he was looking for variety, but this was variety that he could have brought into our relationship!  We have a massage table, and have taken classes together.  It wouldn't have been that big of a stretch to go for the happy ending for him.  He got mad at me in return, accusing me of an incorrect "I statement."  He is big on I statements.  I don't remember how the night ended, but it wasn't good.  I think we just went to bed.  The next day, he told me that he felt bad, so I must have said something wrong.  This was the first time I mentioned us separating. 

That night, he felt horrible.  He was starting to realize how awful things had gotten, and to see his part in it.  He apologized and talked about things.  After that, he got into more regular therapy, and started reading some books recommended by Zamboni. 

It seemed like a step forward.  Maybe it was.