One of my COSA friends mentioned that she felt like she has had to re-learn adult relationships when she got into a relationship with a non-addict. I started to reflect on that. For so long, I considered myself to be doing well as long as I was more of an adult than Husband. When he was being really immature, I decided that I only needed to be less immature. Now, I am realizing how hard it is to be the kind of person I want to be, no matter what is going on with him.
That is the real challenge of recovery for me. When he goes downhill, how do I be who I really want to be? Right now would be an example. How do I respond to him in a way that is healthy for me? He is telling me that we cannot discuss any aspects of how he is accountable in our relationship, or what responsibility he has.
OK. So, that's ridiculous. But, I don't want to be ridiculous in response. I am trying really hard to find ways to be myself and not get drawn into his drama, and still be involved in the relationship (for now).
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Monday, July 23, 2012
Passive Aggressiveness
Husband said, "We need to talk...later."
Actually, he said he wants to talk about "something" at our therapy session on Wednesday. Two issues:
1. We already planned to continue discussing an issue from last time. In fact, last time, he took all of the time at our last session. He used that time to tell me and the therapist what I was doing wrong, how I am failing him. I was able to listen to his concerns and keep my own boundaries. However, the session was useless for me, except to see where his behavior is really at right now.
2. He won't tell me what the something is. I think this is manipulative jackassery. I am too mad right now to be any more thoughtful about it.
Actually, he said he wants to talk about "something" at our therapy session on Wednesday. Two issues:
1. We already planned to continue discussing an issue from last time. In fact, last time, he took all of the time at our last session. He used that time to tell me and the therapist what I was doing wrong, how I am failing him. I was able to listen to his concerns and keep my own boundaries. However, the session was useless for me, except to see where his behavior is really at right now.
2. He won't tell me what the something is. I think this is manipulative jackassery. I am too mad right now to be any more thoughtful about it.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Firing Coleman
Somewhere in this time period, Husband and I decided that two months would not be long enough and I would get an apartment. We agreed that he would stay in the house and be responsible for it. I would find an apartment. Things in this regard were actually going OK until just before I was actually going to move into my apartment. Husband became suicidal again, and I called the police to check on him. He was not taken to the hospital because he said the right things. However, he was livid at me for calling. He told me that I could not talk to the police about him.
To move into the apartment, I needed to get a lot of things from the house. I had arranged friends to help, and I refused to let Husband be there when they were working. He was just too unpredictable. This is one instance where Coleman came in useful. In therapy, we discussed when I would be able to move and where Husband would be during that time. Coleman got Husband to promise to be elsewhere while I was moving stuff.
Just before the move, I was quite freaked out and called the emergency number for the Center for Sexual Health. I ended up talking to Coleman. In the process of that conversation, he told me that I needed to stay with Husband for 5-6 more months. Coleman also told me that he would tell me if it didn't seem like Husband was going to get better. I wish I had asked him what he meant by that. Did he mean that I should base my decision to stay or divorce on his opinion?
The actual move went well. Husband managed to be helpful in a few ways, which was a big change from being destructive in big ways!
Coleman's usefulness declined rapidly after that. He continued to read during our sessions, and explain to us how smart he is.
Somewhere in there, we discussed the group for partners of individuals with compulsive sexual behavior. Coleman told me that I should go for 1-2 sessions and see how it went. When I mentioned that to Diane Berg, the person who actually runs the group, she told me they wanted a committment to the full time span of the group (something like 6-8 weeks). In addition, Coleman and Berg gave me different explainations of the content of the group. When I pointed the inconsistencies out to Coleman, Berg told me she would address it with him. At our next session, Coleman apologized for "the miscommunication," without taking any responsibility for it.
When I told Coleman that I was unsure about continuing with him as our therapist, he had a temper tantrum and kept telling me that if I didn't trust him, therapy was not goig to work. I now wonder why I let it go on so long.
The part that is now funny to me was when I said I wanted to see a couples therapist outside of the Center for Sexual Health. He flared up and tried to tell us why it wouldn't work. Apparently it has to do with communication. I get why having the various therapists communicate would be more challenging if they don't work directly together, but I don't ger why it is my problem. I also don't get why Coleman got so upset about it.
To move into the apartment, I needed to get a lot of things from the house. I had arranged friends to help, and I refused to let Husband be there when they were working. He was just too unpredictable. This is one instance where Coleman came in useful. In therapy, we discussed when I would be able to move and where Husband would be during that time. Coleman got Husband to promise to be elsewhere while I was moving stuff.
Just before the move, I was quite freaked out and called the emergency number for the Center for Sexual Health. I ended up talking to Coleman. In the process of that conversation, he told me that I needed to stay with Husband for 5-6 more months. Coleman also told me that he would tell me if it didn't seem like Husband was going to get better. I wish I had asked him what he meant by that. Did he mean that I should base my decision to stay or divorce on his opinion?
The actual move went well. Husband managed to be helpful in a few ways, which was a big change from being destructive in big ways!
Coleman's usefulness declined rapidly after that. He continued to read during our sessions, and explain to us how smart he is.
Somewhere in there, we discussed the group for partners of individuals with compulsive sexual behavior. Coleman told me that I should go for 1-2 sessions and see how it went. When I mentioned that to Diane Berg, the person who actually runs the group, she told me they wanted a committment to the full time span of the group (something like 6-8 weeks). In addition, Coleman and Berg gave me different explainations of the content of the group. When I pointed the inconsistencies out to Coleman, Berg told me she would address it with him. At our next session, Coleman apologized for "the miscommunication," without taking any responsibility for it.
When I told Coleman that I was unsure about continuing with him as our therapist, he had a temper tantrum and kept telling me that if I didn't trust him, therapy was not goig to work. I now wonder why I let it go on so long.
The part that is now funny to me was when I said I wanted to see a couples therapist outside of the Center for Sexual Health. He flared up and tried to tell us why it wouldn't work. Apparently it has to do with communication. I get why having the various therapists communicate would be more challenging if they don't work directly together, but I don't ger why it is my problem. I also don't get why Coleman got so upset about it.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
A Two-Month Break
I arranged to stay with someone for two months. I won't be more specific than that, as Husband does not know where I was staying. I am very thankful for the rest and support I received from the people I was staying with.
When I moved out, I told Husband I was staying away for two months, and giving myself time to figure out what to do next. Husband very quickly had a breakdown. He acted out again, and then he became suicidal and ended up in the hospital. It was a mess of emotions. He felt shamed and guilty, and did not know how to handle those feelings. I had a lot of support from friends and family. When I moved out, I told almost everyone in my life, with the exception of a few people at work. Husband had very little support because he had not told anyone except his therapist. He did reach out to a few friends, and his brother.
We saw each other once or twice a week for most of this time. It was hard. Husband was really pressuring me for sex. That was the last thing on my mind. The weirdest part was that, for him, sadness seemed to lead directly to sex. He'd switch back and forth between crying on my shoulder and trying to make out with me. It felt creepy.
One thing I wish is that our relationship had support during this time. According to Husband, right after I moved out, Brian Zamboni offered to see both of us. I have no idea why either of them thought that would be a good idea... I didn't trust either of them. How would being in a room with them both at the same time possibly help? A few weeks after I moved out, we had our first appointment with Eli Coleman. I was torn after the first couple of sessions. He was smart and perceptive, but he was also arrogant. We ended up seeing him about 5 times total, and the arrogance just got to be too much. However, he was useful at first because he helped me set boundaries. Unfortunately, some of the boundaries we needed to set were with him--no reading during sessions, treat us like equals, not putting us in the middle of squabbles with his staff, etc.
When I moved out, I told Husband I was staying away for two months, and giving myself time to figure out what to do next. Husband very quickly had a breakdown. He acted out again, and then he became suicidal and ended up in the hospital. It was a mess of emotions. He felt shamed and guilty, and did not know how to handle those feelings. I had a lot of support from friends and family. When I moved out, I told almost everyone in my life, with the exception of a few people at work. Husband had very little support because he had not told anyone except his therapist. He did reach out to a few friends, and his brother.
We saw each other once or twice a week for most of this time. It was hard. Husband was really pressuring me for sex. That was the last thing on my mind. The weirdest part was that, for him, sadness seemed to lead directly to sex. He'd switch back and forth between crying on my shoulder and trying to make out with me. It felt creepy.
One thing I wish is that our relationship had support during this time. According to Husband, right after I moved out, Brian Zamboni offered to see both of us. I have no idea why either of them thought that would be a good idea... I didn't trust either of them. How would being in a room with them both at the same time possibly help? A few weeks after I moved out, we had our first appointment with Eli Coleman. I was torn after the first couple of sessions. He was smart and perceptive, but he was also arrogant. We ended up seeing him about 5 times total, and the arrogance just got to be too much. However, he was useful at first because he helped me set boundaries. Unfortunately, some of the boundaries we needed to set were with him--no reading during sessions, treat us like equals, not putting us in the middle of squabbles with his staff, etc.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Moving out/moving on?
I decided I could not live with my husband while his behavior was so erratic. Most important, I could not live with him while he continued to blame me. I arranged to stay with someone for a few months. I told a few people, but not many, as I did not want Husband to find out until I actually left. I planned to move out on the first of the month, which was a Thursday. I thought Husband had therapy on Friday. When I found out that his appointment was actually on Thursday, I changed my plans to tell him on Wednesday, so he would at least have the support of Zamboni the next day. I was going to a furnished room, so I didn't need to take a lot of things. I came home from work and packed up while Husband was working on a project. I planned to stay at the house that night and leave with everything in the morning, but I knew I might have to change plans.
When he came into dinner, I told him I was leaving the next day. He was angry, obviously. He told me it would be "a long couple of months." He was mad that out sex life would be impacted. He was trying to convince me that I had made a wrong decision, but everything he said reinforced my decision. He thought about it for a while and told me it would be best if I left that night. I agreed. I couldn't go to the place I would be moving to, but I called a friend who knew my plans and asked to stay with her and her husband for the night. They were out at a bar, so I joined them there and had a drink. Then, we went to their place and had champagne, which seemed totally appropriate to me. I hung out with their dogs and crashed in their spare room. The next day, I started my new, independent, separated life! \
The only thing I would have done differently in this scenario is that I would have stuck to my original plans, and would not have been concerned about his support. In the two months since discovery, I had tried to talk to him about telling some of his friends and family at least the broad outlines of his addiction. He refused. That was his decision, and I should have let him experience the full consequences of it.
When he came into dinner, I told him I was leaving the next day. He was angry, obviously. He told me it would be "a long couple of months." He was mad that out sex life would be impacted. He was trying to convince me that I had made a wrong decision, but everything he said reinforced my decision. He thought about it for a while and told me it would be best if I left that night. I agreed. I couldn't go to the place I would be moving to, but I called a friend who knew my plans and asked to stay with her and her husband for the night. They were out at a bar, so I joined them there and had a drink. Then, we went to their place and had champagne, which seemed totally appropriate to me. I hung out with their dogs and crashed in their spare room. The next day, I started my new, independent, separated life! \
The only thing I would have done differently in this scenario is that I would have stuck to my original plans, and would not have been concerned about his support. In the two months since discovery, I had tried to talk to him about telling some of his friends and family at least the broad outlines of his addiction. He refused. That was his decision, and I should have let him experience the full consequences of it.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Two months
The first two months after discovery are blurry in my memory, for good reason! They were a real roller coaster, full of bad behavior. Husband blamed me for whatever he could. I nagged. I tried to force him to change. He yelled. He told me he didn't have psychological problem, just a sexual one. When I would nag, he would seem to respond, but it would not last. He'd act like he was learning more about addiction, or getting more serious in therapy, but only for a day or two. He told me I was uptight about testing for STIs, and about using protection. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't have unprotected sex with him.
The part that scared me was when I started to agree with his craziness. I'd have a moment of "well, maybe it isn't that big of a deal." Then, I would freak out that I could ever think such a thing. I concluded that not only was his version of reality seriously skewed, but that it was much stronger than mine. I don't have to spend a lot of time constructing and defending my understanding of reality, ethics, relationships, etc. He, on the other hand, had years of practice doing just that. He had carefully built up a version of reality where his actions were not only OK, they were exemplary. I was not going to break through those defenses.
I concluded that I could not live with this. I made a plan to leave. I arranged to stay with someone for two months. I figured that would be enough time to figure out if I should go back, or get an apartment. I was 100% sure of my decision. I told a few people, but was careful about it because I didn't want to tell Husband until I actually left.
Just before I moved out, I found COSA. That first meeting was the most amazing, comforting thing I have ever experienced. I will always remember who was at that meeting, and how comforting it was to hear their stories and to tell mine. I wish I had better words to describe it.
The story of moving out requires it's own post. More to come...
The part that scared me was when I started to agree with his craziness. I'd have a moment of "well, maybe it isn't that big of a deal." Then, I would freak out that I could ever think such a thing. I concluded that not only was his version of reality seriously skewed, but that it was much stronger than mine. I don't have to spend a lot of time constructing and defending my understanding of reality, ethics, relationships, etc. He, on the other hand, had years of practice doing just that. He had carefully built up a version of reality where his actions were not only OK, they were exemplary. I was not going to break through those defenses.
I concluded that I could not live with this. I made a plan to leave. I arranged to stay with someone for two months. I figured that would be enough time to figure out if I should go back, or get an apartment. I was 100% sure of my decision. I told a few people, but was careful about it because I didn't want to tell Husband until I actually left.
Just before I moved out, I found COSA. That first meeting was the most amazing, comforting thing I have ever experienced. I will always remember who was at that meeting, and how comforting it was to hear their stories and to tell mine. I wish I had better words to describe it.
The story of moving out requires it's own post. More to come...
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Into therapy
Husband eventually made an appointment with Brian Zamboni at the Center for Sexual Health. The appointment was for both of
us, since the Husband was refusing to see a therapist by himself at that
point. I was really disappointed. Zamboni talked entirely to Husband,
which was fine, as the idea was that there were supposed to be two
initial assessment appointments.
However, at the end of the appointment, he made a pronouncement that Husband has compulsive sexual behavior, and that he should be in therapy every other week. In addition, Zamboni recommended that we see him as a couple once a month. He wanted both of us to come to the next appointment to hear my opinions.
I did not like that Zamboni made recommendations for couples therapy without hearing from me. I also do not appreciate his offer to do couples therapy in addition to individual therapy. In other words, he would listen to my husband twice as much as he listens to me. Even if these had not been factors, I just didn't like his manor. It felt like a quiz show, and that isn't a style I respond to well. The one hopeful thing was a mention of a "partners group" that the center offered. It seemed like a good idea to me.
Husband and I talked about it. He wanted to continue with Zamboni, but the next appointment was in my name, and I didn't want to get billed for it. I called Zamboni to tell him that I would not be continuing to see him, but that Husband would, and that he should change the appointment to Husband's name. He said he still wanted me to come to the next session, so he could hear my side of things. I told him that was a decision for Husband, because I was not going to be a part of his therapy unless that is what he wanted. Zamboni said that I might be putting words in Husband's mouth, that I might be putting my issues on him. Since I know it was Husband's idea in the first place, I decided that the issues belonged to Zamboni. Husband liked Zamboni, and started seeing him regularly, although he actually missed the second appointment that had caused so much angst.
We eventually got a couples therapist, Eli Coleman, also at the Center for Sexual Health. More on that in a future post.
Throughout this time, our life was a roller coaster. Husband would work on our relationship when nagged, but really thought I was the one who had a problem. He would tell me things like, "I wish you could deal with this like I can."
I will give one example of the way things got bad. One night, he wanted a massage, and a happy ending massage even! He started telling me how the professionals do it. First, I told him that I didn't want to hear how they do it. Then, I got mad at him for going to a pro in the first place. He had told me that he was looking for variety, but this was variety that he could have brought into our relationship! We have a massage table, and have taken classes together. It wouldn't have been that big of a stretch to go for the happy ending for him. He got mad at me in return, accusing me of an incorrect "I statement." He is big on I statements. I don't remember how the night ended, but it wasn't good. I think we just went to bed. The next day, he told me that he felt bad, so I must have said something wrong. This was the first time I mentioned us separating.
That night, he felt horrible. He was starting to realize how awful things had gotten, and to see his part in it. He apologized and talked about things. After that, he got into more regular therapy, and started reading some books recommended by Zamboni.
It seemed like a step forward. Maybe it was.
However, at the end of the appointment, he made a pronouncement that Husband has compulsive sexual behavior, and that he should be in therapy every other week. In addition, Zamboni recommended that we see him as a couple once a month. He wanted both of us to come to the next appointment to hear my opinions.
I did not like that Zamboni made recommendations for couples therapy without hearing from me. I also do not appreciate his offer to do couples therapy in addition to individual therapy. In other words, he would listen to my husband twice as much as he listens to me. Even if these had not been factors, I just didn't like his manor. It felt like a quiz show, and that isn't a style I respond to well. The one hopeful thing was a mention of a "partners group" that the center offered. It seemed like a good idea to me.
Husband and I talked about it. He wanted to continue with Zamboni, but the next appointment was in my name, and I didn't want to get billed for it. I called Zamboni to tell him that I would not be continuing to see him, but that Husband would, and that he should change the appointment to Husband's name. He said he still wanted me to come to the next session, so he could hear my side of things. I told him that was a decision for Husband, because I was not going to be a part of his therapy unless that is what he wanted. Zamboni said that I might be putting words in Husband's mouth, that I might be putting my issues on him. Since I know it was Husband's idea in the first place, I decided that the issues belonged to Zamboni. Husband liked Zamboni, and started seeing him regularly, although he actually missed the second appointment that had caused so much angst.
We eventually got a couples therapist, Eli Coleman, also at the Center for Sexual Health. More on that in a future post.
Throughout this time, our life was a roller coaster. Husband would work on our relationship when nagged, but really thought I was the one who had a problem. He would tell me things like, "I wish you could deal with this like I can."
I will give one example of the way things got bad. One night, he wanted a massage, and a happy ending massage even! He started telling me how the professionals do it. First, I told him that I didn't want to hear how they do it. Then, I got mad at him for going to a pro in the first place. He had told me that he was looking for variety, but this was variety that he could have brought into our relationship! We have a massage table, and have taken classes together. It wouldn't have been that big of a stretch to go for the happy ending for him. He got mad at me in return, accusing me of an incorrect "I statement." He is big on I statements. I don't remember how the night ended, but it wasn't good. I think we just went to bed. The next day, he told me that he felt bad, so I must have said something wrong. This was the first time I mentioned us separating.
That night, he felt horrible. He was starting to realize how awful things had gotten, and to see his part in it. He apologized and talked about things. After that, he got into more regular therapy, and started reading some books recommended by Zamboni.
It seemed like a step forward. Maybe it was.
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